I will never forget the first time I became a father. Soon after my first daughter was born I was sitting in a chair holding this 6 lb 3 oz. tiny human and I recall a million thoughts going through my mind. I was a new father. I was excited. I was lost. Who am I kidding…I was terrified! I even remember thinking about all the boys that would one day be at my front doorstep. However, I consoled myself by thinking about the fun and torment I could inflict on these young suitors because after all, this was a rite of passage. This was going to be MY moment! No one was going to take it away from me.
Nowadays, that sweet baby that I once held in my arms is 15, going on 20…and she’s very pretty (along with her younger sister, who is 12). She talks about boys and I just raise my eyebrow and know deep down that the time is coming. It’s coming soon.
However, being a man of firm principles, I do believe in the element of fair play. So, this post is dedicated to those young men who will come-a-callin’. I provide this as a high-level hint guide to dating my daughter(s). Because, one day when you may have daughters…you’ll understand. And understanding how the father of daughters thinks, could potentially save a young man some potential discomfort.
- Picking her up – If you are the transportation, don’t pull into the driveway and honk your horn. Don’t text her or call her to tell her that you have arrived. You are not her Uber driver and she won’t respond. Get your ass out of the car and come to the door and wait for her to get ready like every other proper date in history.
- Dress appropriately – This is just common sense. Dress in clean clothes, neat and tidy. I don’t want to see gang colors or gold chains. She will be taking her time to look good for you so you should pay her the same respect. As a warning, if I see your underwear at all, I consider that an invitation to demonstrate what an Atomic Wedgy is.
- Treat her with respect – To respect her means to have deep admiration for her elicited by her abilities, qualities, or achievements. Do not mock, taunt, or tease her. Remember that respect elicits respect. Doing unto others as you would have them do onto you is not just some old adage. Learn it, live it, love it, do it.
- Punctuality – If you say you are going to pick her up at a certain time, be there on time. And, when you show up and must wait for her, remind yourself that she’s getting ready for you. Don’t be impatient. Don’t tap your foot. Don’t stare at your watch. Don’t sigh. Do not scold her for making you wait but complement her when she finally arrives. She’s a woman and if you think this is going to change when you’re married, it’s not. Most importantly, if I say to have her back at a certain time, it would be VERY wise to have her back earlier because if you are late, I will become the most vicious man tracker that you have ever encountered. And yes, she is microchipped.
- Be honest – Never lie to me. I was your age once. I know how you think. There is nothing you can do that I have not tried or know about. If I ask you where you are going and who you are with, dishonesty will yield great agony. Just remember, I’m her father and I can see into the depths of your soul.
- Remember who she is and remember who I am – She is my precious angel who has been raised with correct principles. I am an omnipotent figure that should permeate your very thoughts and feelings especially when I’m not around. I can also promise you that whatever you to do her, I will do to you.
- Conversing – I understand that you may have apprehensions about opening your mouth and saying something absurd. It is not necessary that you tell me your life’s story because quite frankly, I don’t care. However, I do care where you’re going, who you’re with, and when you’ll be home. So, if I ask you for the pertinent information that I require, it would be wise for you to look me in the eye as you answer.
- Have manners – When we meet, I would expect you to shake my hand with a firm grip. If I detect some limp excuse of a hand clasp, I cannot promise not crack a couple of fingers. Mind your P’s and Q’s and compliment respectfully. If you stay for supper, always compliment the cook and clean your plate even it is tastes like a tire.
Needless to say, I may have exaggerated in a few areas but I can tell you that’s how many father’s feel. You hear the stories about the boy being invited in and the father interviews him whilst cleaning his shotgun. I have often commented that I would just have a couple of blown out shotgun shells on the fireplace mantle with other boys names on them but the last shell would be unused with the new boys name on it. I wouldn’t have to say a word, right? Would that be so wrong?
Nonetheless, I think I’ll be OK when the first meeting eventually happens. After all, I’m a mature male. I know exactly what I’ll do. I’ll shake his hand with a smile. I will welcome him in. I will create an environment of trust as we get to know each other. And, just before they are about to leave, I’ll put my arm around his shoulder and pull him close so only he and I can hear the conversation. I’ll politely point to my daughter and remind him how precious she is to me. That she is my reason for living. That she brings me more happiness than he will ever know and no one will ever love her as much as I do. Finally, before I let him go and venture out for the evening with my daughter, I’ll wish him well and gently whisper…”Just remember son, I have no problem going back to prison.”
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