One of the greatest accolades I always love to hear as a parent is when another parent compliments my children on their behavior when I’m not around.  Regardless of how they sometimes drive me insane, especially having a teen and tween girl, it feels amazing to hear about good behavior, charitable acts, and other self-reliant undertakings that you know are helping them grow up to be well balanced individuals.

As my kids are getting older, I have learned a few things.  I am certainly not perfect and it’s been difficult at times to hold back as these human beings begin to make decisions for themselves.  But, here are a few things I’d share:

Breathe and Let Them Struggle – Watching anyone struggle can be difficult, especially when it’s your children.  It doesn’t matter what age they are either. Sometimes, I’ve had to engage the “count to 10” principle to catch myself from solving the issue rather than letting them struggle. Whether they are learning to tie their shoes, wash the dishes, or doing housework.

Coach from the Sidelines – They will get stuck sometimes. It’s easy to take over and do it yourself. Resist that urge with all your might. Ask, “What do you think you should do next?” They may still have difficulties but be ready with words of encouragement letting them know it can be frustrating, but you believe in them, and that they can do it.

Break It Down – Feel free to give them parts of a task to complete if you think the total goal is too big.  When my kids were very young, I had them folding socks while I folded shirts and pants. When unloading the dishwasher, they would stack plates on the counter and I would transfer to the cupboard. My eleven-year-old loves cleaning bathroom. My eight-year-old loves to dust. Make sure they feel success in their accomplishment and add to the task as they older.

Don’t’ Expect Perfection – When kids are young, be happy they are trying. My son used to put on his t-shirts inside and backwards.  I praised him for it. He looked hilarious, but I praised him. A short time later, he realized his shirt “felt funny” and he figured it out. If he doesn’t dust correctly, I don’t sweat it. Furthermore, remember there is usually more than one way to complete a task.  Kids are smart! And, as my daughters get older, they consistently teach me this.

Praise the Effort – The “result” is always great, but make sure to praise what it took to get there. It’s always nice to hear the end state is amazing, but saying things like, “I can’t believe you did all these things to accomplish this…I’m so proud of you” will make a child, young and old, feel like a million bucks.

These tips can be easier said than done. I practice constantly.  And, the older my children get, it seems to get harder.  But then, I’ll see them doing some task.  I see them working through it until they complete it.  Then, I witness their countenances change as they experience that “success” moment.  That’s what keep me going.  So, don’t give up if it seems difficult.  They listen.

What are some things you do to raise a self-reliant child/teen?  I would love to hear your ideas.

9 Replies to “5 Ways to Raise a Self-Reliant Kids

  1. Did you ever get the experience where the teacher or parent comes and says, “Your children are so polite and quiet.” And you respond with, “Are you sure we’re talking about my kids?”
    This is a good reminder. Do you mind if I share/repost it on my blog?

  2. Letting my girls struggle has always been hard for me, but I knew letting them figure it out for themselves, or not, was worth my patience. My girls are 7 and 9, people often think they are twins, but their temperament and personalities are worlds apart. So one thing that worked for one does not mean it would work for the other. I allow them to teach me about “them”, as individuals. Nothing preconceived, I parent by the seat of my pants, lol, I sometimes wonder who is teaching whom. I agree that praise is important, the look on their faces when they know they have accomplished something and made daddy proud is godsend, even something a small as finding a worm. Haha. They love worms. Great blog.

  3. Great post. I especially like the idea of letting them struggle. Too many people try to do everything for their kids. Wrapping them in cotton wool isn’t going to build resilience and self-sufficiency.

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